there has to be a time for everything. time to make mistakes, time to learn from them. time to give and take, time to make the change. time to kick old habits - especially those annoying ones that you can't drop -, and time to get a new perspective.

but there's never not a time not to be close to God.

what has changed over the past three days.. my heart healed(again), my mind freed(again), found a new direction to head in (that's a first!). but in all seriousness i thank God for setting me straight, even being so battered and dented, i'm pointed full steam ahead towards the target.

abit ironical though, that i should turn away from one mountain only to face another. i'm still praying very hard about it, don't even know if it's what God wants for me. please pray for me guys? but i'm ready to take on the challenge, whatever it is.

and with God with me, it can only get easier.

enough is enough.
enough of being treated even less than a spare tyre, or a dump so you can pour out your crap when you feel like it, then leave me to find out that that's all i am to you.
enough of you opening the door, and when i try to come in, you slam it in my face.
enough of even caring.

don't say hi.
don't wave goodbye.
because enough is enough.

not going to be a sitting duck.

every part is messed up.

fine, i know i where i'm not wanted. i won't be there.

where it counts.

one life. one purpose.

just that sometimes, we need more reminding than instructing.

this week hasn't been easy, due to many reasons. other than camp that is.

so stressed, so caught in between.

i think i'm finally sick of it.
sick of pleasing everyone.
sick of juggling everyone's emotions.
i'm dropping everything.

it's one thing to be someone to lean on,
and another thing to be holding everything up.

i love every one of you three.
but i am human too.
maybe what i've did has not been clear or may not be what you think i should do.
i am sorry.
but i am human too.
now i can't take anymore of this.

to you:
i think my heart has been dropped by you a few times too many, but it's not your fault, i chose to put it in your hands.

to you:
i've tried to keep my feelings under wraps, it all flushed out anyway, like a erupted toilet. i'm sorry. this cold war, i don't know how to end it, but you know i'm always there.

to you:
i am sorry. for everything. for giving you any wrong ideas. i don't know why we can't just be best of friends instead everything being just on or off. just know that you're my closest female friend i have, and that's more than i can ask for.

so there.

me.
trying to be more than just human.
trying.

so quickly another year has gone past. so many things worth reminiscing, and even more not so.

from thick mop of hair, to almost bald, to now always worrying when its long enough to get rewarded extra.

from fat, to toned, to slightly buff, and back to skinny, but with stretch marks.

from heartbroken, to rehabilitation, to torn between two, to being just plain confused.

from off the track with God, to getting back on track, to being shakey again, to trying with every ounce of effort to hang on, to now just hanging barely by a thread.

everything happens for a reason, i guess. just wish i could get my life straight, in the right direction, and to be constant, consistent. i hate this wavering.

2010. already one day in the new year, and i'm not in high spirits or motivation to begin. so many mountains ahead, and i can see them, and it's so hard to make resolutions, but here goes.


* to be a better man. (if i'm not a man already) of course, this encompasses alot of things,
* for one, having a bigger emotional and mental girth, to be able to handle stress better, and not
just flail out in rage when it hits me, especially after it builds up. which leads me to my
next point..
* to be less sensitive to my emotions? i don't know if that's a good thing, but at least for now
i think it will help me out a lot by doing just that.
* to learn to compartmentalise my life, and to deal with problems on an individual level.
* to get better at acoustic guitar (and hopefully be Singapore's very own andy mckee), and
actually come around to taking electric more seriously.
* work on voice, at least starting with breathing and posture. :O
* to spend time, alot of it, praying about what i should do after ns. sigh, it's fustrating, what i
would like to do, and what i must do to be financially stable in the future.
* to make more effort to be closer to God, this is probably the most important resolution, and as
a matter of fact it's more of a lifetime goal more than anything, but just felt to reiterate it,
especially in this season of my life, when hanging on to Him seems to be the most urgent thing
to do, and yet the thing i am doing relatively the least.
* everything else (including most of what is above) to do with my character and my thinking
will naturally change with the above point, i guess.

like reverend james singh said, start of a new decade, good way to set a window of time to get some of these goals done if this year isn't enough... i really hope it is. >.<

sigh.

oh, how i hate myself.

oh gosh, this is the worst feeling. i don't know how many times this has hit me already. been tempted so many times to just drop everything and run.

so broken. so helpless. so many things to say but can't say. so alone.

why does it have to be this hard?

how can i be an example, a friend, and encouragement to others when i still have all this baggage that only keeps piling up? will i be like this forever? if not, how long?

so many questions, so many doubts.

yet there is someone i have to hold on for. ironically that's the only person who can get me out of this pit. someone to fall back on.

come to my rescue, Lord.

sigh.

after my short hiatus, what i thought i had ironed out, apparently, was not.

underlying pains emerge, scars exposed, and reopened.

maybe i've trusted too much? in people? in myself? i think i've been so selfish, so self-centered, asking things from people so that i can feel better, my needs are satisfied. to everyone who i have behaved so outrageously, i'm sorry.

what have i become?

and yet He is there. He was always there. even when i was busying about my own troubles, dragged off by my selfishness and giving in to my human nature, He was there. never left for one moment. when this fact occured struck me i couldn't help but stop at the side of the road and weep. weeping not because of how wretched i am, but because He still chooses to stand by someone as wretched as me, to be a God, to be a Father, to be a Friend, to be a Comforter, to be Love.

break these chains, Lord. this trashlist of bondages that bog me down.

Soon (Hillsong United)



I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I'll see Him
There my soul with be satisfied
Soon and very soon

it's been awhile, i've been doing alot of thinking, and this is but a mediocre effort to try and describe a bit of my musings.

most importantly, to be content with what i have. which is quite plenitful, in retrospect to some other people i know. to treasure the things that i'm blessed with: a beautiful family to come home to, the most awesome parents one can have, a wonderful sister to share laughter with; friends to talk to when i am lonely; all my guitars to play when i feel the bottled-up musical energy buzzing inside; and yet to be content with the gift of singleness and the freedom to serve and pursue God without the restraints of a relationship, and most importantly, to be in the knowledge of a God who loves me deeply and cares for all my needs, even those which i can't see or think unimportant of.

to be patient, and that impatience is kinda like distrusting God, to provide me with enough time for everything. i read in a book that said something along the lines of: "time is God's way preventing everything from happening at once.", which really spoke to me, seeing that i was being very restless in every moment. less haste, less rush.

to keep close to God, cause He can take away all my hurts, my angst, my anxieties, EVERYTHING. He will take care of it. when my heart tears, i cry out to Him and He will heal the wounds. when my mind is frustrated, His loving hands massage my temples. to keep in constant communion with Him is something i'm still working on, there's still a whole load of my day where my heart and mind is not focused on my Creator. but i am trying :) and i will keep at it, even if a fall, i must pick myself back up again, i must keep going, because if He could give His life for me, how can i be slack and slipshod in my walk with Him?

i will keep going :) run the race.

what a weekend. haven't had such a fun one in quite a while i think. but some bad things have happened, can't really say, but i think alot of my life needs revising.

my thoughts are disconnected, scattered, distracted, inconsistent.

to you:
when your beautiful eyes meet mine, and my heart gets stuck in my mouth,
when you roll them and your lashes flutter oh so alluringly.
when you run your fingers through your hair, (haha, that sounds familiar.)
when you burst into peals of laughter,
when you sing and it's like angels in song, (yes, even after losing your voice.)
when you read this and flip out.

to you:
when you read the above please know that i am sorry and i did not want this to happen,
when you can finally find your happiness in the future and let go of your past,
when you discover that there's more to love than serendity. :)
when you are someone i have treasured almost 10 years of my life with and i will not let something like this tear that apart.
when you know why i have to leave because i cannot hurt you,
when you've always been my brother.


i need to a step back.
a few steps.
turn a hundred and eighty degrees.
and don't look back.


i am sorry.

so pretend you don't see me
don't say hi
don't even wave goodbye.